Waiting.

They are all around me.
Hand in hand, in candle-light,
Baby talk and bashful smiles,
Hysterical giggles and serious talks.

And here I am,
Lost, in this world for two.
Symmetry.
You for me, and I for you...

Of couples and doubles,
And two is better than one,
And me holding to none.

Waiting...
Waiting for none to become one.
And one to become two.
Waiting...
Waiting, waiting for you. 

If.

If one day I could catch your dreams,
from the varied mists of air,
and weave them into a glowing tapestry.
If one day I could steer your wishes and your hopes
and charter them to fulfilment.
If I could shield you from the leaves of autumn
and shelter you from the winds of winter,
and show you the blooms of spring.
If I could you the silver lining in the clouds,
yet disperse from your sky.
If I could keep you from making the mistakes I see you,
and prevent you from falling headfirst into the well of your own sorrow.
If I could, I'd have to be superhuman.
But I'm not, I'm just me.

My Wall.

Its not that I hate love.

Nobody hates love. You can’t hate love. It’s just that I don’t love love.
I believe in the process of love – of walking on the beach, of talking into the night, of candlelight and roses. I can’t and I won’t believe in the harsher truths of love, in the snaring trust, and the dependency that it brings. I believe in the purity and the vulnerability of the emotion, yet I can’t stand the cloyish feeling of suffocation it brings.

What do you call love? What do you want me to believe in? What do I want to believe in? Who do I invest in? Why?

Why does it seem like love is a translucent blindfold, the best quality, but a blindfold all the same. You fall in love, and then you never seem to see right again…either you see through the blindfold, that tints and shades everything, or you don’t see at all. Why does it seem like I can’t see, hear, or feel anything beyond that mind numbing, fleeting happiness, the suffocating joy, and I’m content with it…and I’m not expected to want to sense anything else. Yet, it all affects me, today, now, every minute – and consumes the rest of my world, my friends, my family, my life, and suddenly it is my world.

And then you are my wall… thunk…thunk…thunk…my head battering against it again and again, in a futile attempt to amalgamate my world with you, and you with my world, to include your life in mine, to get you to understand me as much as I understand you, or I think I do. And that wall refuses to break, standing strong in its obstinacy and all its intuitive stubborn-ness. And I crumble against you instead, breaking, cracking, slowly, steadily.

And that’s why you can’t ignore love…because it does things that you can’t understand, that you can’t deal with or maybe wont. And that’s love, strong, powerful, pure, suffocating, annoying, out-there and all pervasive. Un-ignorable, ignoble and powerfully white.

The Silences

She stood and she watched.
The silences grew around her
emerging from the depths of her heart,
surrounding her, insulating her.
The babble of the surroundings
drowning out the voices in her head.

She stood and she watched
as life around her moved on.
She watched as they talked,
their sounds battling her silence,
her thoughts, her emotions, her ideas.

The voices in her head growing hoarse
Finally surrendering to the silences.
She moved forward, a shell of herself,
finding a place in the group.
A smile on her face.
A weight in her heart.
The price for companionship,
The sorrow spread afar.

She stood and she watched.
The silences, an old friend.

A bug on the wind screen...

At times the urge to say something about the world around you hits you like a sledgehammer in the solar plexus. At a time like that, in a fit of enthusiasm fueled by a lot of coffee and an uncle,I created this blog...and then realised..maybe I didn't have that marvellous urge to say that something anymore.

It amuses me now, the amount of time I spent agonising over the perfect format for my blog... "white? black? polka dots?" and then after creating it, and uploading a picture and then sighing a satisfied sigh, sat back and smiled a smug smile, then finally closed the tab and promptly forgot about it. Only to remember it four months later, when the urge to say something re-emerged.

Except I still didn't know what to say.

And here I am, telling you the story of how this blog was born...and rather guiltily passing this off as an excuse for the first blog. Hopefully bits of news that spark my interest will flash across my windscreen soon enough, and at a near future in order to create a bug shaped splat on the blog...

Until then..I'm going to be tending to my sore solar plexus...